you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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