There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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