After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
