I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
