bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
