Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize