oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Dick very happy bro
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
