I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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