So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
