As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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