The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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