I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
