I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
