i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
