you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
