oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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