I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
