Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
