it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
look no pants
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
