i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
