your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
