Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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