Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
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