You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
