I wish my penis had an off switch
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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