Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
