Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
