I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
