I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
we have pet lesbian snakes
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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