Swine flu. Run for my life!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
