last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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