I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
