I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I puked a lego.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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