if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
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Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
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I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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