My liver just broke up with me...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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