That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh god it's open bar.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
