I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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