sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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