apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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