Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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