when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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