All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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