Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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