It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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