I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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