I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
