it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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