When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
