He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize