Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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