Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
