Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
