I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
