dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
