I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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