Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
